求五篇幽默的英语故事

1.CLINTON'S BIGGEST BILL

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."
2.A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"

...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.
3.ORDERING DINNER

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.

The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

4.911 EMERGENCY NUMBER

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

5.THE DEAF WIFE

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

A Mr. Zhang left the company personnel department, to the bar, one day the bartender said: Mr. Zhang, I heard you recently quit personnel?! Mr. Zhang listening to a great panic, the bartender busy now, I heard that you're not in the personnel?!

A yuan in the field of learning. One day, he found that the cost of living has been run out ahead of time, they are busy to a telegram for home. Only four words: cable run out of ammunition and food supplies. A few days later, he received a short reply from home: at!

A rich man going to the examination, his father about his prior exam, the result is very good, thought certainly accepted, but the list was not the name of the son of. Father drove to find county magistrate. Magistrate transferred volumes view, only the top layer of fog light, but do not see any words. My father came home and scolds: "you how to write papers that also look not clear?" The son cries: "no one on the test for me the ink, I had a pen dipped in ink stone on the water was ah."

The monk to home. The owner saw he was a monk, he asked: "master, you drink?" The monk smiled: "drink a little drink, but never a vegetarian."

Someone to official heads: "Lilliputian tomorrow Lost hoe a, please master study." The magistrate said: "you this slave! Tomorrow Lost hoe, why not come yesterday reported?" Beside the beadle after hearing, couldn't help laughing. The magistrate immediately said: "must be the case you steal the hoe! You are stealing what to do?" Beadle replied: "I want to hoe the idiot."