请各位帮忙批改托福作文，多谢啦！

2024-12-14 19:59:51

推荐回答（2个）

回答1：

第一段的drastically应该为drastic，感觉第二句不应用some，这样给人造成后面要转折的感觉。

第二段 skill of teamwork改为spirit更好。Different from our academic life which almost all of the learning tasks are finished by ourselves independently, adult life needs much more teamwork.这句话问题较多. 建议：Unlike our academic life, in which tasks are mostly completed by ourselves, adult's life involves much more teamwork.

Like a baseball game which has many positions such as catcher, pitcher, first baseman, second baseman, outfielder and so on, there are many positions in work places too. And people who are in the different positions have to co-work with each other to improve the productivity and efficiency.
建议：For instance, working is just like playing a baseball game. Each memeber of the team has his or her unique duty and capability. Therefore, in order to reach higher productivity and efficiency, they have to cooperate rely on each other.

Since the skill of teamwork may not an essential ability they get trained in school, it’s tremendously necessary for teenagers to take a part-time job to practice this skill. So in order to help teenagers to accommodate to their adult life, taking a part-time job is the first step they have to do.
建议：However, since the education in school lacks proper training in this crucial field, taking a part-time job is the best and probably the only way to teach students the true meaning of cooperation and prepare them for adulthood.

就帮你看这么多，后面问题肯定也不少。你的文章结构已经出来了，字数略有点多。要仔细把自己的文章好好读一遍，里面的小语法错误实在不少，例如形容词和副词的使用混乱。可能你的老师会让你尽量的使用复杂句或其他方法来延长文章，有些句子实在是不够简洁。在写托福文章的时候主要考察的就是你句式和单词的多样性，这在你的文章里没有很明确的体现出来，特别是单词仍然使用的比较简单。同时过多运用复杂句容易导致语法错误，语法错误是要扣分的。要注意不要过多的重复同一个词，要变化。例如你使用了很多encourage，换换句式语序就可以放进boost, foster, propel, stimulate, inspire等等。你文章应该为开头加三个分段加结尾的格式，你的最后一个分段比较含糊，还有很多可以写啊。除了合作，还有学会节约，培养吃苦耐劳的精神等等。你的文章我感觉在二十三分上下的样子，注意凑字数别过了。

回答2：

用易改的托福作文模考打分吧，目前免费使用期。易改官网上可以在线用。

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